As always my random thoughts crowd my mind. I wonder what I’d do if my so called flashes stop appearing every now and then. I guess I’d think I was like every other normal person I’ve met and freak out. Where’s the fun in that? From being called crazy, dumb, naïve and totally stupid, I’ve had almost every possible not so nice but somehow funny adjectives thrown at me by other people (friends, colleagues, maybe even acquaintances) though at the end of the day I still stand in front of them as the same old immature person I am (not really but still…) in front of them without budging even an inch from my stubborn, obstinate and idiotically ridiculous stand.
The funny part is how I change my nature like a flash of lighting as soon as I’m 100 meters away from them. I’ve never been the quiet, shy, girl who takes time to interact with others. I’m thankful for that because at the end of the day I’m not over the top lonely and curled up in a corner. Sometime’s I get crazy ideas like I want to be all alone for the entire day or I don’t want to have anyone around me and I guess these thoughts emerge from certain selected portions of my oh so wonderful past, which I cherish close to my heart every single day! Yes. I’m being sarcastic but no worries here since my close buddies stop me from doing such naïve things.
The other day I was walking back to my hostel after my French class at Nungambakkam. I enter my college (Madras Christian College in case you’re wondering) and take the road that leads me to the Heber Gate. As I walk the same path that I’ve been treading for the last 8 months, the leave’s fall in a manner similar to that of rose petals that are showered on a newly wed couple. The image was so beautiful and my breath was taken away literally. As I was engulfed by the leaves I was feeling very special, a feeling that comes very rarely to me. I couldn’t stop thinking of the scene even though I entered my hostel premises. Weirdly these kind of tiny little gestures or rather in this case a happening gives me pleasure and happiness so breath taking I feel like a little girl seeing a waterfall for the first time, so amazed and so awe struck. These are the little things that keep me going every day.
College has been an amazing experience so far. School life had a certain monotony to it but I did enjoy it towards the end and at the beginning. One of the things that I cherish very closely is my independence. It feels really special to be an independent young woman (girl in my case) in the big wide city. I’ve learned a lot after moving here to sunny Chennai. Its amazing how independence and responsibility merge together so beautifully, so intricately that achieving balance between them is so simple yet so difficult. It’s like drawing the line at a certain place which neither you nor another person is allowed to cross. Finding that balance is an ardent task.
The years have passed with a mixture of various emotions. I’ve experienced joy, happiness, pleasure, sorrow, depression, heart break and so on. I know that it’s normal to have various human emotions, but sometimes I feel like running away from it all to some remote place, where it can no longer follow and torture me in an insanely cruel manner. I wonder every now and then about my past and think fervently about how my life would’ve been if something had or hadn’t happened. I express regret at some points, I applaud myself at other points and at certain points I’m completely neutral. But I sincerely do wish something’s hadn’t happened. I’ve been scarred quite badly and the pain of it is so terrible at times that I no longer want to be around and wish I would just disappear. I’ve never been one to be spiritual but over the past few years I’ve slowly and very gradually moved towards spirituality. I’ve been trying to listen to my inner voice for the last couple of years and let me tell you, it is a struggle to actually get hold of it, because at time’s I completely shut myself off and I don’t want to have anything or anyone around with me.
For the last few years I’ve known that I’m pretty fragile at certain points in life. Yes, I’ve been hurt and yes, I’m trying to heal but sometimes I just drown in my misery, till a hand comes and pulls me up and then I’m barely able to breathe. I keep on telling myself that I’ll get better with time, but sometimes I lose hope. During these difficult times I’ve had a few close, really good friends help me out and try to stitch me up, but there’s only so much that they can do. The rest is up to me and of course to time as well.
In my pathetic attempts to stay normal at breaking points, I cling on to my 2 savior’s: Music and Dance. These 2 savior’s are what have kept me going when I’ve wanted to give up and just stop. Sometimes even my savior’s are unable to help me out and that’s where friends come in. I’m eternally grateful for those friends of mine who’ve been there to lend their shoulders and ears when I was in dire need of them. They keep on pulling me out of the water every time I drown. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t cause them all this trouble but I’m awfully pathetic that I have no other option except to beg them for help. Thank you guys for everything!!!
One thing that I refuse to give away completely is the story behind all of this. I usually give away only parts of it. I know my friends would like to know the whole story so that they can help me better but I’m not ready yet and I hope they respect this aspect of my decision.
I came to Chennai to start a new life and that’s what I’ve done so far. Eventually I will become better and stop being someone I’m not, but until then the battle continues, the struggle remains and the wounds continue being bare and open. I hope fervently that everything will be alright sooner rather than later and that a smile will remain at the end of the day.