Saturday, September 3, 2011

Hopefully taken care of someday

'Take my hand, take a breath, pull me close and take one step, keep your eyes, lined to mine and let the music be your guide...' these are my favorite lines from the song 'Can I Have This Dance?'

Singledom to me signifies the ability to lead an independent life filled with joys and laughs so bright that you never feel alone or lonely. These last couple weeks my perspectives have been changing. I'm beginning to consider the thought of having someone around. All these years it's been the same story with me where in I end up taking care of those around me and begin neglecting myself. The last year and half I've been running around so much and stressing such a lot that I'm neglecting myself yet again. Through all these endeavors I constantly wish there was someone around who'd look after me for a change. It's very difficult to do 5 things at the same time and still find time to remember to take your meds on time or eat on time especially when you have a busy schedule from 5 a.m to 6 p.m.

Life has to move on, you have to continue working, you'll still remain busy as hell but it wouldn't be so bad if you could somehow try to take care of yourself along the way. It's difficult and it's stressful but I have to force myself to bother taking care of myself since I know my health is on the line. Yet, I still continue hoping, wishing and even praying that one day miraculously somebody will just begin to take care of me for a change while I run around with my erratic, hectic schedule and who knows, someone might actually come forward someday, sometime, somewhere.

Ever hopeful and still holding on to whatever faith remains in my being,


Monday, August 29, 2011

Stormy Thoughts

As the skies darken
Large gusts of wind
Thrust their way through
Leaving nothing unturned in its path.

Selfishly devoted to a senseless state
Shedding tears, making mistakes
Your chest suddenly feels heavy
Your mind juggles all it’s thoughts.

You pave way for a distinct future
You decline any new offer to submit
Life in itself seems to make no sense
Yet you’re disturbed unintentionally.

Hunger, pain, fear, death
All these form a large cloud above your head
So far away are pristine meadows
Serene, calm, tranquil, peaceful.

I am amazed by my surroundings
By how I seem to know so little about them
I refuse to give up my fanatical ways
For they mean the world to me.

Hiding away in an alternate world

Escaping from the grasp of reality
I fear what is to become
For I’ve lost hope not in you
But in myself my friend.


Everyday you somehow seem to come across a familiar sight where you see a couple spending time with each other and immersing themselves in a romantic atmosphere. This sight sometimes seems appealing while at times it’s appalling. It’s appealing to other lover’s and die-hard romantics, while it is appalling to singles and those who’ve recently broken up as well as to the general public at times. This is where the question of singledom comes up.

Is being single as great as it is supposed to be or is it just some sort of a phase wherein fear just doesn’t let anything happen?

So let’s start by looking at the bright side of singledom. I’ve been single all my life and it’s been a roller-coaster ride. Being single is sometimes an amazing feeling while at other times it’s just a phase that you can decide to either live with or without. The great thing about being single atleast for me is the enormous amount of freedom and independence that you’ve got going for you. Being single feels like being free to just LIVE without anything pulling you back or having a say in what you can or cannot do. Singledom has been both a blessing and a curse as well. Being single has created an environment where I’m free to interact freely without any second thought and most of the time I’m content with this. But even I have to admit that being single has its disadvantages.

Singles are happy and content with their lives most of the time but, sometimes at a very deep well hidden corner of their hearts lie a tiny bit of curiosity and anxiety to know how it feels like to be on the other side of singledom. For most singles ‘relationships’ are out of bounds, while some don’t want ‘relationships’ and another set of singles are too afraid to actually take a chance and experience something totally new. Singles are usually left behind when it comes to outings exclusively with their ‘couple’ friends and that does leave scars on the single guy/girl making them think as to whether being single really is worth it or not. While I’ m saying this please don’t think that I’m totally biased towards ‘relationships’ or something. As much as I love seeing a couple walking hand in hand, I hate all the backlash, drama, arguments and more when it comes to ‘relationships’. With ‘relationships’ you get 50% happiness and 50% sorrow, but they also bring with them a lot of lessons and an amazing opportunity to really get to know the other individual involved.

Being single by choice is a respectable decision, but can the same be said for being single due to fear? As an individual it’s very difficult to just jump at new opportunities without any forethought. It’s quite natural for someone to be afraid of trying something new but how scared can a person get? Well the answer to that question varies from individual to individual. Personally it’s quite daunting for me since it’s something I’ve never ventured into before, but and there is always a but, I am open to new experiences. For me as an individual trying something new takes time and a lot of patience. I’m not ready yet or so I think, but I guess you should never say never, so I’m going to say ‘maybe’ to a new experience.

At the end of the day when you think about the life led by both singles and couples around us it is a different and unique experience in both cases where you get to both know and learn something new.

Now getting back to the main question behind this long blog post. Singledom: By choice or due to fear? My answer, BOTH. I’m single by choice and quite happy being single but at the same time I’m still afraid of trying something new but I’m not completely against the idea in any case. Experiences are really wonderful, useful and helpful but you have to be ready for it and not just jump carelessly or even blindly at it. So if you’re single then ‘cheers’ to you but the same goes to all you ‘couples’ out there too ;) 

So what do you guys think? Feel free to drop your comments below. Till next time Ciao and bon journee ;)


Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Amazing World of Blogging

I've been a blogger only for a few months. I love this amazing world of blogging. The freedom it gives you to express yourself and share those expressions with others. It's been a wonderful platform where I could freely let my thoughts flow without interruptions of sorts. The blogging world has opened up amazing opportunities to many people and now many of them are quite popular and well known.

So I'd like all you bloggers out there to help me out with an article i'm working on. So could you please tell me what your thoughts are on the world of blogging, what it has done for you and why you are drawn to it. Thank you for your time and help :)

Rukz :D

Monday, May 2, 2011

Labour Day Fun ( May Day to some of you ppl)

Date: May 1st 2011 ; Location's: T-Nagar, Pondy Bazaar, Express Avenue Mall and Spencer Plaza ; Time: 11:15 a.m- 5:30 p.m ; The adventure seekers: Me and my friends M and A (sorry ppl but they appreciate privacy as of now) ; What: Read on to find out

What would 3 of the craziest, weirdest and most hilarious group of friends do when they're exams are about to end and their last exam happens to be 'Value Education' ????? I'll tell ya, they get their wallets ready and run off to the nearest mall or in our case to one of the busiest and the most crowded places EVER i.e Pondy Bazaar, T-Nagar, Chennai, India. Beyond bored, jobless and badly craving our homes and families the 3 of us decided to go out and have some 'FUN' and that's exactly what we did.

It all began with a wait at Chromepet Station for over 45 mts for M thanks to A (idiot!) who forgot to call M and thus she was late. While A and I were waiting for M we were having some normal as well as weird conversations. I was being me and at a point started talking about my hair and getting a hair cut. Much to my surprise A (a guy for crying out loud!) started giving me Hair and Skin Tips. I was like what the hell!!! It was funny really, it was like he ventured into the female world and found his feminine side for the day lol. At one point he was like 'I can talk trends and technology, I really do have the best of both worlds (Hannah Montana much??)'. It was hilarious and i couldn't stop laughing. He gave me ammo that I could use against him for a change. Me and M were making fun of him a lot in the train. We decided then that he would help me with my b'day clothes shopping at the thought of which he was horrified :P It was damn fun talking to him and time passed quite quickly though not quick enough. Soon we saw M descending the stairs in her usual ghost like manner and after she finally arrived looking all fatigued and kinda sick we took the train to Mambalam ( T-Nagar basically) and we sat down in the station for a while so that her queasiness would pass. After about 15 minutes and 1.5 glasses of apple juice later (M didn't entirely drink hers thanks to the honey so it was shared between me, M and A :P ) we finally ventured into Ranganathan street and then walked towards Pondy Bazaar ( from now on referred to as Pondy). Pondy is really quite lovely. So many stores aligned next to each other on both sides of the street. We walked past them all at times stopping to get something. M got a little pouch to keep her mp3 player in and yeah it was cute though kinda costly but hey, this is Chennai after all. We continued walking, stopping every now and then to see something that caught our eye.

Oh yes, I forgot we had to reach Express Avenue Mall (EA) by 2:00-2:30 p.m to get my b'day gift from my bro's (cousin) friend. In case you were wondering what it was, it was a Nokia C1-02 Mobile Phone and a Pack of Cadbury's Celebration :) Now back to our day. So during our sightseeing M asked me if I wanted to go to Flora ( a pretty good dress boutique according to her) and i said yeah, sure. So we headed to Flora. The thing we didn't anticipate was the amount of trouble and help A gave us.

First rule of taking a guy to a clothes store:- DON'T!!!!!! Unless you don't mind dragging him back in, black-mailing him and using other such means to make sure he doesn't leave.

Second rule of taking a guy to a clothes store:- Get ready to get either the silent treatment or some of the most  not-so-nice INSULTS or even FAKE compliments just so that you leave the store as soon as possible (um, A, we're not leaving until me and M actually find something we like or until we've had a thorough browse through so shut up and sit there or be helpful and actually give us your valuable tips (oops!) ). 

Third rule of taking a guy to a clothes store:- Be ready to either receive harsh criticism or even surprisingly a COMPLIMENT. Yup, A who almost always makes fun of me or insults me actually complimented me. That made my day :)

Fourth rule of taking a guy to a clothes store:- Don't ever throw around the words Large (L), Medium (M), Extra Large (XL) and Larger than extra large (XXL) in front of the guy unless you'd like insults or awkard facial expressions and A's expression's were mind blowing as they were the perfect mix of 'What the heck??' and 'Why are you doing this to me?' lolz.

These are the rule's that i've come up with. If you've got anything new please do share :)

After about an hour (we were getting late to reach EA) we exited the store with 2 bags, one for me and one for M with each of us buying 2 tops each. A breathed a huge sigh of relief and even tried revenge by go to the men's section but, we left soon as there wasn't anything that he found interesting. As we were contemplating rushing to EA we decided that we must eat first. So off we went to a restaurant called Ram's Milky Way (something like that, i don't remember) where M and A had ice-creams (almost like sundaes but smaller) for lunch while i had lunch in the form of a mini meal with regular South Indian lunch items and washed it down with mango ripple ice-cream. By then we were late and we took an auto to the station at my expense but that was in vain as we were unable to catch a train as it was filled to the brim and was overflowing with people, people and more people!!! As time was moving on and we were getting more late by the minute we decided to take an auto to EA and shared the auto expense with each of us paying Rs.50/- each. It was worth it since we reached EA in 10 minutes. There we met my bro's friend who gave me my gift and left after accepting my apologies for being late.

Next we entered Hamley's and explored the amazing world of soft-toys, cute cuddly teddy, BARBIE <3, crafts, toy guns, spy gear, mini science experiments and more. After exploring Hamley's I wanted to take a tour of Westside much to the disappointment of M and A. Finally after agreeing to get out in 15 mts we went inside and they showed their disapproval quite clearly, especially A since he was forced into the women's section yet again, hehe :P . I got tired soon and so we exited Westside. We took a circle of the easter special display and then went to Spencer Plaza. A was damn hungry, he was actually raving with hunger and so we went to the food court. While A was devouring his KFC Chicken meal, me and M were having Pepsi while I was opening my gift. The gift, my new phone was really really nice. It was damn cute and i loved it. Ask A and M, they even said that at one point I was glowing lol. So after going through the features and after A was done with his meal we left the food court and then we went and got a memory card for my phone <3. I was troubling M telling her to give me songs and she being the trooper gave me quite a few. Thanks M!!! M wanted to leave soon and so we took one final tour of a cute little shop, the name of which i forgot. After the exploration we left for home or hostel in mine and A's case and for M it was her grand-parents place.

We had a really fun day, filled with loads of fun and laughter. Thanks M and A for a really awesome day. Hoping for more such rocking days and hoping that next time our friend P also joins us and trust me people he's too damn hilarious. Exams come, exams go but friends never ever go and always stay with you ;)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Lurking Sadness, but for what?

You know that nasty, sad, heart broken, betrayed feeling that you get when a person whom you see everyday just ignores you and runs around having fun with the next person whom you also see everyday. Yup, it's one hell of a bad feeling. The worst part is you don't even like this person much, yet you feel bad on being ignored. I don't know why this happens, maybe because i'm sensitive and get hurt sooner even for the silliest of things, but it's really stupid of me to feel so down.

I've been thinking about this and considering all my options and I've come to the conclusion that maybe i'm just 'jealous'. Yes, i admit it, i don't like being ignored and i totally hate all that extra attention being showered on the other person while i'm not even a living entity to the one who's ignoring me. *Sigh* The funny part is all this sadness, jealousy, hatred and fault finding just because you're (meaning i'm) being ignored. I'm finding that highly amusing right now because, i honestly don't even like this person that much (yes, i'm repeating myself :P). Yeah, i see this person on a regular basis and yeah we talk sometime's but it isn't like this person is a good friend or even a best friend. So i'm slowly beginning to accept this ignorance on their (usually it's just one but sometime's it's a combined twosome) part and though it might take me time to get used to this, i still will be ok at the end of all of this.

So my latest thought on this issue is to ignore the ignorance, stop wasting my energy on someone who doesn't deserve it and be thankful for being blessed with awesome friends, family and of course my oh-so-amazing-funny-creepy-crazy gang mates who i honestly adore except when we have MAJOR fights :P

At the end of the day i deserve to be treated better and if i don't get that treatment then to heck with that person cause I've got some amazing people who love, support and back me anywhere, anytime, anyhow.

So that's my latest thought process. I'll be posting again soon cause this 18 year old turns 19 in 2 weeks, isn't that cool??? So till then, thanks for stopping by and merging with my thoughts.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Rukz Methods on how to avoid studying when 'you just have to!!!!'

The clock's ticking 'tick tock tick tock' (yup, its a cliché, i know!!). As the time moves on you get that ominous feeling surrounding you which says 'study! study!' and well what do you do? I for one avoid it till the last minute when i have to scramble around with my notes. Ah!! Isn't this what being a college student is all about?? (well it's like that for me all can have your difference in opinions, i respect them)

So let's get back to the topic. My sure-shot ways of avoiding your textbook for hours (it may or may not be effective and differ's from person to person). Listed below are a few simple methods which help you to avoid studies:-

1. Gather notes ( Only gather, do not read as far as possible) - Gathering notes is a very time consuming process and it take away more than half of your study time per se. So get together with friends, scour the internet and gather, gather, gather away.

2. Play games online- There are so many free gaming sites out there that people are spoilt for choice. My site of choice nowadays is my trustworthy So people go online and have a blast, interact with people from different nations while battling away with different, fun games. ;)

3. Watch movies- This is something which every student does and thus, doesn't require an explanation per se.

4. Wash clothes- Yes, find the day and time when you're supposed to study to go wash your precious clothes. Make sure that you take you're time washing, rinsing with utmost care and then lovingly hanging them up to dry after which you can take a well deserved resting period maybe even take a nap.

5. Sleep- Take rest, it's pretty important for health. Sleep for maybe an hour or two or if you're game maybe more. You know how it feels when its such a sunny afternoon and you're in your room under the fan and you get this nice feeling which is telling you to just lie down?? Yes, listen to it and be lulled into the world of dreams. How refreshing!!

6. Cook- Food is vital to each and every human being and its yummy when made properly. Take this time to experiment. Go crazy with ingredients and just put in hours of work to make that wonderfully fluffy, yummy, gooey chocolate cake. My experimentation was with eggs, tomatoes and onions and i finally ended up with an overly salted (still digestable :D ) egg bhurji'ish, tomato'ish concoction which wasn't too bad. ;)

So that's about all i got folks. Maybe, i'll add more to the list as i continue to procrastinate. So i hope you had a fun time reading this little note of mine. Do leave you're comment below. Rock On!!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

'TRAIN' it!!!

My first proper article, written for an assignment. One of my first ventures into the world of prose writing ;)

As you descend the steps which lead you to the platforms, you can notice the hustle and bustle of a busy Monday morning. The rush of bodies, trying to catch the train before it flees the station. You can notice the different kinds of people waiting to alight the train. Some are relatively calm, waiting on benches or making light gossip with their fellow occupants. Others are more stressed, running around trying to catch the train. Some are sipping on their morning coffee, while some are catching up on breakfast. The sights and sounds are all fascinating for a first timer to this busy platform on an even busier morning. This is just a glimpse of the action going on at the platforms. The action inside the trains is even more extraordinary though, that is just a minor way of putting it. You could say that the real action takes place inside the trains.

 As soon as you’ve climbed on board the train you immediately notice the occupants of various seats. No one sits freely, idling away their time but are busy with something or the other. Some take their mobiles and headphones out to listen to music while others catch up on their morning meal. Some read books, while others catch up on the latest gossip. As the train starts to slowly move out of the station you notice the landscape around moving in harmony with the slow rocking motion of the train. Then the train gains speed and the rush of the wind in your hair is a wonderful sensation tingling your senses. As soon as you reach the 1st stop, you notice the rush of crowds making their way into the compartments. They might heave or even push others to gain access inside. The scene is quite a sight. But this is not the main action in the train. The main action happens with the vendors. The vendors who come in to sell their merchandise.

 The vendors that you see most prominently are those tamil vendors who come to sell you keychains, combs, jewellery, cotton buds etc. They have an air about them which makes you sit up and take notice. Their skills in sales are pretty impressive. If you notice carefully, you can see that they are skilled salesmen trying to sell their goods. It makes you wonder what miracles they could bring if they were in a corporate sales job. The other vendors sells snack items, handkerchiefs, pencils, pens and what not. Sometimes some people come in and sing, make music and earn money from the passengers. With all these sights and sounds it is a wonderful journey that you undertake while travelling in a suburban train. So take a trip on a suburban atleast once. You will surely not be bored but will be entertained to a whole new level.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Ruckus over Theatre

Being an individual who is pretty used to being shaky (meaning I have stage-fright) in the presence of a large audience, I've had to force myself to participate in many public events (by public events I mean competitions/shows in front of large audiences :0) to get over this shakiness. So my latest venture in this arena was 'THEATRE'.

Being part of a theatre production has been a good learning experience. It was easier considering the fact that it was a part of my college activities or more precisely part of my department activities. In this manner everything was brought to life with a simple idea i.e forming a dept theatre club. Interestingly enough it started out on a good foot, then led to a fracture, followed by a time of healing but soon there was a sprain and finally a good performance. 

Funny enough it all began with me participating in the auditions just for 'fun'. I was surprised when I was selected, but I was happy and excited to try something new. Honestly this is one experience i'm never going to forget, not because it was so much fun in the 'end' but because of all the chaos it ensued in my life. Any production which is even remotely big should be 'managed' properly, but in this case 'mismanagement' was the word throughout the process.

The 'practice sessions' were not a big success in the beginning. Our main actors were working on another theatre production and couldn't attend the practices for over 2 weeks. The first 2 weeks were monotonous with script readings and no real practice sessions. By the way, we were doing script readings without a finished script. Yes, we had to manage with bits and pieces of the wonderful script courtesy our ever perfect director whose name i shall not mention as of now. As the days went by practice was becoming more like hell. Some of us would reach there on time to find that everyone else hasn't come, will come in a few hours or have just decided not to grace us with their ever grateful presence. Wow, doesn't that sound like fun!!!

Then after those long 2 weeks our main actors came and thank god they did. We then started practice properly, beginning with exercises and then moving on to the script which was still 'incomplete'. It was a struggle at first to get into character, for me personally. Just mere weeks before the play was to be put up, my character was swapped. Wow, how great was that?? It was a big struggle for me throughout the play to get into character because i couldn't seem to stop being myself. Later on we had a friend come in from another college and help us out. She was a savior and she really helped me out a lot, along with helping the rest of the cast. In reality she was the one who was actually directing the play and any member of the cast would agree with that statement. So finally we were rehearsing properly and enthusiastically.By the way i forgot to mention the fact that our designer had no idea as to what the story was about as our ever so perfect director shied away from telling her the story, how innovative of our director to come up with the 'find out the story on your own' mode. I finally narrated the entire story to her as she was completely exasperated. The same was the condition with our musician, as he wasn't given a script and was 'script-less', till i finally 'rescued' him and gave him the scripts that i had-on-hand. 

Boom, a big bomb gets thrown just a mere week before the play is to be staged. The venue allocation had gone haywire thanks to the undecided date of performance. At the same time our wonderful director decided that she was too 'intelligent' to bother with the script for the last scene (yes my dear friends, the script was still 'unfinished') and announced to the actors that they must 'improvise' it themselves. What a blow that was and what 'great timing'. The venue was somehow fixed towards the end and we all breathed a sigh of relief but all was not well. On the day of the performance we lost the venue as it was already booked by someone else. Couldn't they have mentioned this before rather than giving us the venue and then taking it back? We then decided another venue in our own dept, but we had problems there and we lost that venue too. With all hopes lost and at wits end, we made one more try to get a venue. Finally we got a venue and it was fixed. Then we moved to the venue, got everything prepared and were getting ready for the performance. Our director was about to leave citing illness, but somehow our friends convinced her to stick around. We all stood holding hands and said a few words of good will and then left to rock it out on stage. The performance began on a good note. Our set designer managed the set changes with finesse and our musician gave some awesome background scores that left your feet tapping. Everything went on well and my scenes went well too. We were all beyond happy by the end of it and that was the end of over a month long of hard work, lost appetites, angry screams, sleepless nights, hopeless tears and heartfelt smiles.

We got good applause from the audience and were to happy to know that they had enjoyed the play. Our teachers came up to congratulate us and so did our peers. It was then that the fact that the play was a success dawned on us. After a few group pictures we all left with a happy feeling at finally being over with this chaotic production and at seeing it be a grand success. In this manner a new venture came to an end. It was fun and exciting, but it was also hard and at times stressful and disheartening. So in the end the 3 idiots mantra comes to mind, "ALL IZZ WELL". :) :D ;) :P

Friday, March 11, 2011

Life and What It's Had to Offer

As always my random thoughts crowd my mind. I wonder what I’d do if my so called flashes stop appearing every now and then. I guess I’d think I was like every other normal person I’ve met and freak out. Where’s the fun in that? From being called crazy, dumb, naïve and totally stupid, I’ve had almost every possible not so nice but somehow funny adjectives thrown at me by other people (friends, colleagues, maybe even acquaintances) though at the end of the day I still stand in front of them as the same old immature person I am (not really but still…) in front of them without budging even an inch from my stubborn, obstinate and idiotically ridiculous stand.

The funny part is how I change my nature like a flash of lighting as soon as I’m 100 meters away from them. I’ve never been the quiet, shy, girl who takes time to interact with others. I’m thankful for that because at the end of the day I’m not over the top lonely and curled up in a corner. Sometime’s I get crazy ideas like I want to be all alone for the entire day or I don’t want to have anyone around me and I guess these thoughts emerge from certain selected portions of my oh so wonderful past, which I cherish close to my heart every single day! Yes. I’m being sarcastic but no worries here since my close buddies stop me from doing such naïve things.

The other day I was walking back to my hostel after my French class at Nungambakkam. I enter my college (Madras Christian College in case you’re wondering) and take the road that leads me to the Heber Gate. As I walk the same path that I’ve been treading for the last 8 months, the leave’s fall in a manner similar to that of rose petals that are showered on a newly wed couple. The image was so beautiful and my breath was taken away literally. As I was engulfed by the leaves I was feeling very special, a feeling that comes very rarely to me. I couldn’t stop thinking of the scene even though I entered my hostel premises. Weirdly these kind of tiny little gestures or rather in this case a happening gives me pleasure and happiness so breath taking I feel like a little girl seeing a waterfall for the first time, so amazed and so awe struck. These are the little things that keep me going every day.

College has been an amazing experience so far. School life had a certain monotony to it but I did enjoy it towards the end and at the beginning. One of the things that I cherish very closely is my independence. It feels really special to be an independent young woman (girl in my case) in the big wide city. I’ve learned a lot after moving here to sunny Chennai. Its amazing how independence and responsibility merge together so beautifully, so intricately that achieving balance between them is so simple yet so difficult. It’s like drawing the line at a certain place which neither you nor another person is allowed to cross. Finding that balance is an ardent task.

The years have passed with a mixture of various emotions. I’ve experienced joy, happiness, pleasure, sorrow, depression, heart break and so on. I know that it’s normal to have various human emotions, but sometimes I feel like running away from it all to some remote place, where it can no longer follow and torture me in an insanely cruel manner. I wonder every now and then about my past and think fervently about how my life would’ve been if something had or hadn’t happened. I express regret at some points, I applaud myself at other points and at certain points I’m completely neutral. But I sincerely do wish something’s hadn’t happened. I’ve been scarred quite badly and the pain of it is so terrible at times that I no longer want to be around and wish I would just disappear. I’ve never been one to be spiritual but over the past few years I’ve slowly and very gradually moved towards spirituality. I’ve been trying to listen to my inner voice for the last couple of years and let me tell you, it is a struggle to actually get hold of it, because at time’s I completely shut myself off and I don’t want to have anything or anyone around with me.

For the last few years I’ve known that I’m pretty fragile at certain points in life. Yes, I’ve been hurt and yes, I’m trying to heal but sometimes I just drown in my misery, till a hand comes and pulls me up and then I’m barely able to breathe. I keep on telling myself that I’ll get better with time, but sometimes I lose hope. During these difficult times I’ve had a few close, really good friends help me out and try to stitch me up, but there’s only so much that they can do. The rest is up to me and of course to time as well.

In my pathetic attempts to stay normal at breaking points, I cling on to my 2 savior’s: Music and Dance. These 2 savior’s are what have kept me going when I’ve wanted to give up and just stop. Sometimes even my savior’s are unable to help me out and that’s where friends come in. I’m eternally grateful for those friends of mine who’ve been there to lend their shoulders and ears when I was in dire need of them. They keep on pulling me out of the water every time I drown. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t cause them all this trouble but I’m awfully pathetic that I have no other option except to beg them for help. Thank you guys for everything!!!

One thing that I refuse to give away completely is the story behind all of this. I usually give away only parts of it. I know my friends would like to know the whole story so that they can help me better but I’m not ready yet and I hope they respect this aspect of my decision.

I came to Chennai to start a new life and that’s what I’ve done so far. Eventually I will become better and stop being someone I’m not, but until then the battle continues, the struggle remains and the wounds continue being bare and open. I hope fervently that everything will be alright sooner rather than later and that a smile will remain at the end of the day.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Of Stars, Love and Chocolates

These were my thoughts just before Feb 14th 2011 made it's splendid arrival. Enjoy!!

I sat there under a blanket of stars, just looking up and wondering how something can remain so beautiful yet so pure. Stars always give me this romantic aura that’s not easily describable. It’s like they brighten my entire outlook and are out there, far away in the night sky looking over me like my guardian angel. Every time I see a starlit sky I start smiling with all my heart and jumping like a 5 year old girl who suddenly remembers twinkle twinkle little star on seeing this amazingly beautiful sight. As always I remain there, noticing the stars emitting their glorious light from afar, while the cool breeze blows. I think about many different things and very rarely I remain there totally speechless, just enjoying the moment.

The stars are one of my escape routes from reality. They help me leave my troubles behind and just remain in the moment. Sometime’s I wish everything would remain exactly like this. If life itself became like this then I wouldn’t become sad or depressed but then I wouldn’t be entirely happy or joyous either. I guess you can only experience life with all the complexities that it throws at you, as this is the only way you can be fully aware and fully content with whatever you possess.
Just like its arrival last year, it comes yet again. I’m talking about that day of the year reserved for those individuals who are hopelessly in love and are totally immersed in it. Yes, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day. 

It’s that one day of the year when I just sit back and think about my single status and about how I feel at that particular moment. While couples are out and about celebrating V-Day with chocolates, flowers, champagne and those oh so cheesy romantic greeting cards, I’m usually at home in front of the television. The day isn’t very extraordinary for me, never has been but still it invokes some sort of feelings in you when all that MTV is playing is back to back love songs the entire day, which makes lovers oh so happy and well us singles hmmm kind of off. This year it’s an entirely different circumstance for me of course. For one thing I’m not at home, secondly I have an exam on this day and thirdly I will be at college the remaining part of the day. I hope I’m not forced to see the sight of red roses spread all around college. I love red roses so please don’t mistaken me for what I just said but, it’s not exactly very lovely to be in a corner rose-less while your buddy is happy crooning about how she got hers from her so called love.

So going back to self-analysis on this year’s v-day and I have concluded that I’m very happy with my single status. After noticing the not so nice after effects love seems to have on some of my naïve but otherwise sweet classmates, I’m tremendously happy to be SINGLE, INDEPENDENT and HAPPY. I’ve also decided to propose a toast to my singledom this year with Frooti and Chocolates, ah how a single girl is so wistful in her youth and yes I’ll end the day just as always by listening to love songs (whether you’re in love or not, some of these songs are so melodious you get by without flinching).

So until next time I bid adieu yet again :)

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Restless Heart & Tearful Eyes

Wistful thoughts evoking illuminating smiles
Progressing willfully through the edge
Yet I sink down to the deepest, darkest bottom
And find it hard to reach the edge.

I regret whatever has become
For I’m someone who is very needy
And though the light of joy shines occasionally
The devil manages to ensnare me with his lures.

I wish it had never happened
For now all I’m left with is tears
For you no longer seem to care
And I no longer wish to stay.

Somehow somewhere I missed a step
Lost my sight and feigned a slip
Though I expected a call of rescue
All I received was silence and more silence.

As I evoke all my strength
And walk away with my wound all bare
I still wonder every starlit night
Why you’d never made it to my side.

I am compelled to oblige to thy whim
I am forced to apologize through thick and thin
And through these dark and dusky woods
I oblige, I oblige, I oblige.

Forgive me for my thoughtless stray
For I never meant it to be that way
And as I leave I shed one final tear
Along with a smile and some fear.

New Entrant Introduction

Being someone who's not new to blogging I guess this is going to be a fairly easier experience in terms of publishing/posting things online but the difficulty is to actually continue blogging on a regular basis.

So Hi I'm Rukmani and I'm an 18 year old girl who is in the path of understanding herself and life. I'm basically your average teen who's pretty stubborn, obstinate, reckless, kinda idiotic but surprisingly thoughtful at times. Through this blog I hope to slowly improve my writing expertise and as well as increase my vocabulary. So feel welcome to enter my world and merge with my thoughts, my feelings and get to know the girl behind the translucent mask (ME!!!). So lets start blogging ;) ....